Ben Trepanned, Ph. D.
Chief Clerk, Bottle Washer, and Director of Astrology and
New Product Testing and Development
Sea and Mud Products
LaLa Land, California
Sea and Mud Products is proud to
announce the development of the newest addition to our Red
Sea?/Dead Sea? line of aquarium products designed for
the discriminating and progressive aquarium keeper: the Perpetua
Nano Aquarium. This revolutionary power-free filtration
and skimming system allows the Perpetua Nano Aquarium
to be set up anywhere; no power is needed. The aquarium is
placed on a level shelf and filled with water. Our patented,
reverse-slope, power system then begins to function immediately.
Should you wish to use the system as a marine aquarium, just
add the appropriate amount of our Red Sea?/Dead Sea?
salt crystals, filled with the optimal amount of androgenic
bovine effluvium, and you'll be ready to go.
Figure 1. A diagramatic representation of the
Revolutionary Perpetua Nano Aquarium with unidirectional
powerplexing flossing flume and Piddle Paddler Abiotic
Homeostatic Filter and Water Conditioner(Patent
Pending). (With apologies to M. C. Escher)
The reverse slope self-powered system flushes the water through
a unidirectional powerplexing flossing flume and over our
revolutionary Piddle Paddler Abiotic Homeostatic Filter and
Pending). As the water passes over the
semiflexible, but thoroughly resilient and quite shiny, blades
of the Piddle Paddler Abiotic Homeostatic Filter and Water
Pending), the microstructure of the blades'
genuine orange plastic cover facilitates the establishment
of a biological (and a supplemental abiological) agromixing
filter, which naturally reduces undesirable nutrients such
as phosphates and those awful little blue molecules which
can cause oh, so many problems in aquariums.
Being a second-generation product, the
Perpetua Nano Aquarium is fully capable of supporting
life, albeit not life as we know it. We would like to know
it, so we have contacted the Creation Research Institute to
certify that any life occurring in the system is as normal
as it can be. The capacity of this system is surprisingly
large. Being a hypercube, it holds precisely -3.14159 drams
in a space no larger than would normally be occupied by a
far less than advanced 100-gallon system. We recommend that
initially, the system be set up with only a few small swimming
animals such as marlin or white-tipped sharks to allow the
system to cycle thoroughly. After two or three hours, the
system will be able to handle its full biological load. Should
the aquarist wish to purchase our stocking certificates, once
the system is fully unicycled, partially bicycled and beginning
the tricycle, we can provide the livestock equivalent of one
of the lesser Indonesian Islands for a modest fee.
The Perpetua Nano Aquarium will surely provide all
aquarists with many hours of amazing enjoyment. Once the initial
enjoyment wanes, however, hobbyists can purchase our supplementary
power link to the Piddle Paddle wheel and use the energy produced
by the system to power at least a 7.5-watt bulb.
As an additional benefit, Sea and Mud Products has
designed the Perpetua Nano Aquarium in conjunction with
author Mark Mywords to provide clues for solving the problems
described in his soon-to-be published best seller, "The
Leon Angelo Ciphers." Hidden among the simulated
genuine Renaissance plastic sculpture of the unidirectional
powerplexing flossing flume, the astute reader and aquarist
will find clues to help solve one of the most baffling of
ancient mysteries: the location of Thor's lost left testicle.
* Dr. Ben Trepanned is
a highly respected, used automotive parts collector. He received
his Ph.D. for his work on denitrifying green particles from
The University of Algorhythmic Undulations in San Slippery,