Ben Trepanned, Ph. D.
Chief Clerk, Bottle Washer, and Director of Astrology and New Product Testing and Development
Sea and Mud Products™
LaLa Land, California

Sea and Mud Products™ is proud to announce the development of the newest addition to our Red Sea?/Dead Sea?™ line of aquarium products designed for the discriminating and progressive aquarium keeper: the Perpetua Nano Aquarium™. This revolutionary power-free filtration and skimming system allows the Perpetua Nano Aquarium™ to be set up anywhere; no power is needed. The aquarium is placed on a level shelf and filled with water. Our patented, reverse-slope, power system then begins to function immediately. Should you wish to use the system as a marine aquarium, just add the appropriate amount of our Red Sea?/Dead Sea?™ salt crystals, filled with the optimal amount of androgenic bovine effluvium, and you'll be ready to go.

The reverse slope self-powered system flushes the water through a unidirectional powerplexing flossing flume and over our revolutionary Piddle Paddler Abiotic Homeostatic Filter and Water Conditioner^{(Patent Pending)}. As the water passes over the semiflexible, but thoroughly resilient and quite shiny, blades of the Piddle Paddler Abiotic Homeostatic Filter and Water Conditioner^{(Patent Pending)}, the microstructure of the blades' genuine orange plastic cover facilitates the establishment of a biological (and a supplemental abiological) agromixing filter, which naturally reduces undesirable nutrients such as phosphates and those awful little blue molecules which can cause oh, so many problems in aquariums.

Being a second-generation product, the Perpetua Nano Aquarium™ is fully capable of supporting life, albeit not life as we know it. We would like to know it, so we have contacted the Creation Research Institute to certify that any life occurring in the system is as normal as it can be. The capacity of this system is surprisingly large. Being a hypercube, it holds precisely -3.14159 drams in a space no larger than would normally be occupied by a far less than advanced 100-gallon system. We recommend that initially, the system be set up with only a few small swimming animals such as marlin or white-tipped sharks to allow the system to cycle thoroughly. After two or three hours, the system will be able to handle its full biological load. Should the aquarist wish to purchase our stocking certificates, once the system is fully unicycled, partially bicycled and beginning the tricycle, we can provide the livestock equivalent of one of the lesser Indonesian Islands for a modest fee.

The Perpetua Nano Aquarium™ will surely provide all aquarists with many hours of amazing enjoyment. Once the initial enjoyment wanes, however, hobbyists can purchase our supplementary power link to the Piddle Paddle wheel and use the energy produced by the system to power at least a 7.5-watt bulb.

As an additional benefit, Sea and Mud Products™ has designed the Perpetua Nano Aquarium™ in conjunction with author Mark Mywords to provide clues for solving the problems described in his soon-to-be published best seller, "The Leon Angelo Ciphers." Hidden among the simulated genuine Renaissance plastic sculpture of the unidirectional powerplexing flossing flume, the astute reader and aquarist will find clues to help solve one of the most baffling of ancient mysteries: the location of Thor's lost left testicle.

* Dr. Ben Trepanned is a highly respected, used automotive parts collector. He received his Ph.D. for his work on denitrifying green particles from The University of Algorhythmic Undulations in San Slippery, East Dakota.